I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
