can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
