my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
