I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
