My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
well you can't waste a boner
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
