maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
