My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
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