the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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