sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
