Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The beer is more important than you right now.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
