It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
