Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
