I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
