If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
