I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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