Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
