yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
