So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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