How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
