I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
