My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
