if you like me you must not know who I am
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
