I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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