Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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