I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
