# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
