matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
