Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
