I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
