my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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