Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
