i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
