Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
