paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
you never un-have a 4some
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
