i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
