he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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