If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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