The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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