I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You need a sexual gate keeper
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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