3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
