I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
