i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
