i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
