i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
