I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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