woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
