I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
