Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
of course. lets lasso hookers.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
