Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
two words: eviction party
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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