Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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