guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
