So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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