My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
